Finding truth in the darkness...

This week has been hard. I hit my limit and may have fallen to pieces. Through my tears I reached out to a few close friends and asked for prayer, begged for prayer, and had that moment that where I knew that this journey with the Lord was something more than aligning my priorities once again, more than building my spirit up, more than abstaining from social media but a time for me to act in courage and not fear and walk into this calling the Lord placed on my life before I was even born.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16

Ever since I was little I had BIG dreams, dreams that were smothered by bad relationships and the current business of life. Not a bad life mind you. One that I love with every ounce of my being, but one that I try to create in order to be a good wife, mother, and friend. Not one where I start my day saying "Lord where shall I go? How may I serve? How may I live this calling you set out before me?" Yes, I pray throughout the day, but have I taken that moment to listen to really listen to the plan HE wants me to follow? Not the one I created in lists the day/week/month prior. The plan that just maybe makes this busy life not so busy, but purposeful? I have also come to realize that this sickness that is refusing to leave my body is making a way for me to stop and listen. I can not do much more. I strongly believe in the attack of the enemy and his power to make me focus on how bad I feel and the fear that accompanies it. The fear that maybe I can not fight these infections any longer, because something more may be hiding. That maybe I ignored feeling bad for one year too many. For the enemy may be trying to hinder me from my true calling filled with purpose that can make me REALLY live. Last night as I lay awake I felt the Lord assure me that this attack of sorts against my body can be used for His glory. For His word rings true...

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

And His words swarm with promises...

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

What are these thoughts and dreams stirring once again? Well those are being laid in a journal for now. First I must reconnect with my inner self, dig deeper, and be healed. To hear the full calling that is now being awakened again. For now I will take baby steps that actually feel enormous right now. I will once again lead a small group for women with our church. Something I just got too busy for over the years. I am praying that it will be a time where women can build each other up, find joy in the mundane, and truly find and live a life full of passion and calling. That we can grow and learn together and see where this God journey takes us next.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,  Colossians 3:23

And in the words of Lysa Terkeurst in Made to Crave, because I simply could not say it any better...

~ I know some may shake their heads while thinking I take all this God stuff too seriously. And I would have to agree completely. I've tasted the deep satisfaction of God and I know all other things are but cheap imitations. And I don't want to be enamored by the lesser things wrought with momentary pleasure. I am a woman who has witnessed too much. I am ruined for good. I too have seen God work miracles. I've been lead through the impossible. He's guided me. He's brought living water to replace my dried-up places. He's given me everything and I don't want to forget. ~ pg 174

I can still go back to the days before I knew Jesus. The 7th of January marked the date where I knew He was calling my name 13 years ago. It was a bumpy ride at first trying to figure out this whole God thing and what that looked like to a girl in college who tended way to many bars, skipped class due to hangovers and depression, to a girl that just wanted to be liked by all. To a girl who came out of some of the worst relationships that I pray for my sweet Ellie to never have to endure or even know about. Those things can not leave you. They still carry a sting, but not a sting of pain, but a sting that drives me wanting to know the Lord more and deeper. He saved me that night from what I can only assume would have ended in total destruction. He set me free. That girl I once knew had to take drastic measures and turn her life around and it was a lonely place at times. I lost many friends and and in loosing my old self I found me. That is the girl who yearns for more today, because I can not forget the past.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

It's a Start...

I started this blog years ago to share my loves, passions, and parts of my life. After much thought and prayer I have decided that I am making this little spot of mine a place to "go deeper" within a little series. It will be a spot where I will share my ups and downs of what I am learning in order to live this life better with Jesus at the center. In a way I will be taking my daily discussions I have with close knit girlfriends here. How long will this series last? Who knows, but I thought it would be a great place to connect us all in a more communicative way. A place to where we can say "me too" without feeling judged, a place where we can learn from each other, and cheer for each other on this journey of life.

Last week I shared my convictions on not living in the now. To having a great desire to not miss out on what is in front me. Part of this challenge and prayer was me giving up social media for at least the duration of our church's 21 days of fasting and prayer. It's been a little over a week and it's getting easier. I can not tell you how many times though I have picked up my phone absent mindlessly looking for my apps {which I moved to the very last page of phone} to see what everyone was up to. What I realized, as in felt a twinge of conviction that I knew only God can give, well Him and KJ who likes to point out every time I am on my phone, on Tuesday is how many times I pick up my phone to "research" things then get lost in google land. For example I now can tell you every last detail on how to waterproof a basement. Is this bad knowledge to have, no. Am I actually going to waterproof a basement myself, no. Did I just really spend 3 hours throughout the day researching this, YES. Have you ever looked at your daily usage on your phone? Well I just started doing this the last couple of days and oh my, let's just leave it at that. I now am adding to my list of "living in the now" by only doing research on the computer unless it's something I need now and quickly, like directions to somewhere, using a recipe I saved or how to do a 3rd grade math problem for Ellie.  Sitting at the computer is not my favorite so, fingers crossed, this will help me in my process of trying to live in the now. As badly as I wanted to come here and say "wow life changed with my addiction to my third arm, I mean phone" I can now see this will be quite the process. A making a daily decision type of process. Really? It's a PHONE. I swear quitting drinking in college was easier than this and that was actually a HUGE problem with awful outcomes.

I guess you can say the latter was a week of ups and downs. Ups would be seeing that this is a problem I am able to take by the horns and overcome. The kids have noticed my effort and have gave me praise for actually doing daily activities without my phone as an additional side kick. I helped Ellie with her homework and was able to be attentive to what she needed even if it was something she already knew how to do. She even said homework was fun this time. I even managed to loose my phone for half a day. Had no idea where it was and it was okay! I don't say these things to boast on what we should or should not do, but for me I was truly missing out on the kids daily lives and to see small victories within my efforts is something I need to remember. You know for when my phone tries to reattach itself. The downs would be seeing this problem is an actual real life problem. A ridiculous one at that. I have also found that without being able to hide or get lost within it my, what I thought I had overcome last year, issues arose again. I am a yeller, I am from a family of reformed yellers. I am not a daily yeller or even a monthly yeller, but a on occasion {a few times a year usually} may explode into someone I do not know type of yeller. It's normally when I physically feel the worse or close to that time of month. Well last Sunday it happened. I lost it over something so minor. I got to the place where I could feel my mind and heart questioning what was happening as it was happening. My ears were steaming. It lasted maybe a whole minute before I had a oh crap moment and quietly exited the house and cried/prayed in a parking lot down the road. I then returned apologized and repented to each of my loves individually and you know what I experienced? The embodiment of grace to the extreme. There was no why are you so crazy, why did you fail us, do you not love us, only hugs and a you are forgiven. They were not quick to judge and only showed love AND is that is when I saw the scripture come to life.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, - Ephesians 2:8

At that moment I started again with my journey on living this life for Christ and in turn living in the now. Not living in the moment I fell short, way short. Ellie did mention it at dinner the other night then started giggling as she stated oh how funny it was that it happened and that she would never forget it. As my head hung low I asked her why it was so funny and she replied it's because she knew I want so badly to have them forget that part of me and that she never will, but she will love me anyways. Um, surely there is a lesson in there somewhere right?

So that's my week of learning and growing and prayerfully seeking a deeper relationship with Christ. It's also the point where I realize some of you will decide I am flat out crazy and some of you will have a "me too" moment. Either way know that I pray for you all often and if you have any specifics shoot me an email.

* Oh and as I mentioned before I am doing one thing that scares me a day... this is it. {BAM checked it off the list}

*** in case you missed it I am having a giveaway!!!

A GIVEAWAY {and a start to a new adventure}

I want to thank you all who took the time to comment, email, and text me after last weeks post. I can not tell you how much it means to me. Even though I am aware people read this space of mine, thanks to my random analytic check, sometimes on occasion I wonder if anyone is really out there. Seeing numbers never compares to seeing names and having what feels like conversation. Tomorrow I am starting something new on this little blog of mine and I hope you join me. To kick off this new adventure into the unknown {more tomorrow}, I am doing a little giveaway of my own. I know plenty of you had a "me too" moment with last weeks post so I am giving away all the books I had listed plus a few extra surprise goodies to 2 readers. I am praying for all of us to live a fulfilled life of purpose and love and I hope I can help at least 2 of you start off or deepen that journey with a few of my favorites.

TO ENTER:

1. Show a kind gesture towards someone with intention. I don't need to know what it is, but just do it. Can be an encouragement towards a co-worker, a phone call to a loved one to state just that, make the dinner table extra special, tell your spouse one thing you appreciate about him or her without expecting anything in return, give a warm smile to a complete stranger at the grocery store, you get the idea. Then just comment. I will draw 2 winners at random on THURSDAY the 22nd. {hoping to host giveaways like this  monthly!}
2. Since I am off social media for now and if you happen to be still on it, would you mind sending out a little love for this giveaway? I will have no way of checking, but let me know in separate comments if you sent word via instagram, twitter, facebook, or even email and I will enter you again for every comment left.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

WINNERS ARE: Taryn and  Jasanna! Email me with an address so I can ship off your goods!