As I drove the kiddos to school, after a bit of a rough morning getting everyone out the door, I do what I do and prayed for a God centered shift in their day, as we all needed it. As I prayed I did my normal thing and prayed for them to stay on the narrow road. I am a type A, rule following girl all the way. I try not to be. The Mr is the exact opposite. I too used to be more go with the flow, but something shifted along the way. There was a season of life where I honestly was afraid to mess up. If I tried to be a little "better" maybe more prayers would be answered. Maybe just maybe, the kiddos would not go down the hard path of life and stay on that narrow road. My view was skewed in who the Lord really is. Fast forward today, and I know the Lord loves me no matter all my crazy. I can't earn His love, He just loves me because He promised that from the beginning. My only requirement is to love Him and love others, and the overflow of that is a beautiful wondrous thing. So as I prayed for the kiddos to remain on the narrow road I felt the Lord urge me to no longer view it as the path of basically being "good".

I know I pray this prayer out of desperation that the kiddos won't follow in my footsteps. As my steps were destructive in every sense of the word. I lived {if you can call it that} in pain trying to earn the affirmation of others and doing whatever that took. That would then be followed by numbing out, because doing whatever was slowly killing me. I never thought that I was enough just the way I was. The words of others became loud. The ugly actions of others towards me became who I was. After I decided to make my life live for the Lord when I was 21 I became stuck in having to be "good" now. I stopped doing all the spinning that left me so very empty. That narrow road quickly became my anthem for not doing bad things that would leave me in heartache. It became the road where the Lord could love me and think that I was enough.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and the road that leads to life, and only a few find it - Matthew 7: 13-14

During my early morning prayer, I felt a shift in that prayer. A shift in the way I view and pray it. I prayed it in the way that would not lead my own children into feeling that that road is meant to be taken by refraining from doing bad things, but in a way that would lead to true freedom. I sensed that maybe that narrow road was one that could be walked down living in confidence in who Christ created us to be. One that sheds the feelings on how others view us and focus only on how God views us. One that keeps us from striving to please others and instead live in a way that pleases God. That this narrow road is where true freedom is found. At the end of the prayer that once held a sense of conviction and striving now lets me breathe free. It can be hard to not let the world define who we are with so many outlets that speak so loud. As I truly believe that all the "bad" things I went through is not what slowly destroyed me, instead, it was my lack of knowing who I was and the feeling of being lost in this great big world. That was my destruction. Now, as I ask the Lord to keep my children on that narrow road, I am asking for Him to keep His voice louder than the worlds dictation. I ask this so that they will forever be secure enough to live in a way that brings joy and peace through the hope that Christ is. My greatest wish for my babies is that they always feel secure in who they are, no matter what that person at school, in the play yard, and beyond says that they are not. Honestly I am not afraid of the poor choices they may make along the way. What I am afraid of is them forgetting how loved they are and that they are important. Jesus made them great and that is the feeling and knowing I desire them to dwell in. Really that is my for us all.